Andrew Kesterson

"Love God. Live Righteously. Die Well."
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# Carrying That Weight

2026-06-08 Philosophy Faith 645 words

I’m not really keen to talk about this. But the idea of writing this, around a 3 year old entry in my prayer journal, will not go away. So I’ll write it down, and hopefully it helps whoever needs it.

"I bled all THAT kind of blood out a long time ago." --Spike Spiegel
"Then WHY are you still ALIVE?!" --Vicious

I don’t know about everyone, but for some sinners who are trying to find redemption, there’s this continuous dialogue inside of you. It happens between the old you and the new you. The person who you tried so desperately to bury, and the person who you are trying so desperately to become. It’s like they are constantly holding each other at gunpoint - or at least one of them is. It’s like no matter how many times you kill them, they just won’t stay dead. And no matter how far you go, the other one keeps popping up, like a fucking bad penny.

Maybe it has to do with how we can’t let go of our own old sin. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s a denial that we can get better. Maybe it’s a doubt that God will actually accept us. Maybe it’s that we are too afraid to let it go, because, who are we without our brokenness?

Saint Paul said he had “a thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:7). It’s never made clear what this thorn was, but it is clear that it was some kind of persistent temptation or torment. He begged with the Lord to take it away, but the Lord told him no, this was part of a lesson for him. This is a difficult teaching.

God is always right there willing to pick up the weight that we are carrying, and oftentimes we simply refuse to put it down so he can have it. I’m no different. I have a thorn in my side, a piece of that old dead man that I can’t get rid of, a sin that I can’t seem to stop carrying. To this day it plagues me. I will put it down, and think I have let it go, only to look down into my hands, and realize - Son of a bitch! I’m still carrying that weight! Why can’t I put this fucking thing down?!

Almost 3 years ago I had an experience in prayer about this very issue. Here is the entirety of my prayer journal entry from that day.

15 July 2023

- John 21:1-14
- Luke 22:31-34, 54-62
- James 1:12-18

To keep on sining after having accepted and claimed Christ is to deny Him in your heart. I am every bit as guilty as Peter was; my sin is my denial. My accusers are not people, but passions - and my denial is not in public, but private. God is not mocked, and He sees the things which happen in private. But Jesus paid the price for my sins once and His blood covers me - and He touched my heart today to let me know He still loves me, and forgives me.

“I keep on laying my sin at your feet Lord, WHY am I still carrying it?!”, I cried out in my heart.

“Why do you keep picking it back up?”, He asks me. God does not tempt me, and He does not lay my sin upon me; I keep choosing to pick it up and carry it. God is willing to forget it the moment I am ready to put it down.

“I am too weak to put it down!”, I admit.

“Come to me, all you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I will give you rest!” He assures me.

And I wept.

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