Deploying upstream@6577d79602acf91e578e2bfabb706eccc4e33dc4: Carrying That Weight

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2026-06-08 16:02:17 -04:00
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<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Carrying-That-Weight/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Carrying That Weight</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
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<a href="/2026/05/15/Devlog-20260518/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 18 May 2026</div></a>
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<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
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</div>
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<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
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<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
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<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
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<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
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<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
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<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
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</div>
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</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
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<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
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</div>
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<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Carrying-That-Weight/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Carrying That Weight</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
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<a href="/2026/05/15/Devlog-20260518/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 18 May 2026</div></a>
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<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</article>

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<a
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<a href="/categories/Faith/">
<div class="categories-list-item">
Faith
<span class="categories-list-item-badge">6</span>
<span class="categories-list-item-badge">7</span>
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@@ -377,7 +377,7 @@
<a href="/categories/Philosophy/">
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Philosophy
<span class="categories-list-item-badge">5</span>
<span class="categories-list-item-badge">6</span>
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<div class="recent-posts-list">
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<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Carrying-That-Weight/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Carrying That Weight</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
@@ -638,11 +643,6 @@ Computers simulate determinism; only Tao is perfect."<br/>
<a href="/2026/05/15/Devlog-20260518/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 18 May 2026</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</article>

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<a
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Faith
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<span class="categories-list-item-badge">7</span>
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Philosophy
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<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Carrying-That-Weight/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Carrying That Weight</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
@@ -659,11 +664,6 @@ Thus spake the Master Programmer:<br/><br/>
<a href="/2026/05/15/Devlog-20260518/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 18 May 2026</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</article>

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<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
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<a href="/2026/05/15/Devlog-20260518/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 18 May 2026</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
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</div>
</article>

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<a href="/2026/06/08/Carrying-That-Weight/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Carrying That Weight</div></a>
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<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
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<a href="/2026/05/15/Devlog-20260518/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 18 May 2026</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
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</div>
</article>

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<a href="/categories/Faith/">
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Faith
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Philosophy
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<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Carrying-That-Weight/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Carrying That Weight</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
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<a href="/2026/05/15/Devlog-20260518/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 18 May 2026</div></a>
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<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</article>

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<a href="/categories/Faith/">
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Faith
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Philosophy
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<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Carrying-That-Weight/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Carrying That Weight</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
@@ -690,11 +695,6 @@ SUCCEED_RETURN(e);<span aria-hidden="true" class="line-numbers-rows"><span></spa
<a href="/2026/05/15/Devlog-20260518/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 18 May 2026</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</article>

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<a href="/categories/Faith/">
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Philosophy
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<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Carrying-That-Weight/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Carrying That Weight</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-06-08</div>
<a href="/2026/06/08/Devlog-20260608/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 8 June 2026</div></a>
@@ -726,11 +731,6 @@ technology 0
<a href="/2026/05/15/Devlog-20260518/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Devlog Entry - 18 May 2026</div></a>
</div>
<div class="recent-posts-item">
<div class="recent-posts-item-title">2026-02-23</div>
<a href="/2026/02/23/Why-Firefighting/"><div class="recent-posts-item-content">Why Firefighting</div></a>
</div>
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</div>
</article>

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Carrying That Weight
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<p>Im not really keen to talk about this. But the idea of writing this, around a 3 year old entry in my prayer journal, will not go away. So Ill write it down, and hopefully it helps whoever needs it.</p>
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<hr/>
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<center>
<img alt="Spike and Vicious in the church" src="/images/posts/carrying-that-weight/spike-and-vicious.jpg"/>
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<i>
"I bled all THAT kind of blood out a long time ago." --Spike Spiegel
<br/>
"Then WHY are you still ALIVE?!" --Vicious
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<hr/>
<br/>
<p>I dont know about everyone, but for some sinners who are trying to find redemption, theres this continuous dialogue inside of you. It happens between the old you and the new you. The person who you tried so desperately to bury, and the person who you are trying so desperately to become. Its like they are constantly holding each other at gunpoint - or at least one of them is. Its like no matter how many times you kill them, they just wont stay dead. And no matter how far you go, the other one keeps popping up, like a fucking bad penny.</p>
<p>Maybe it has to do with how we cant let go of our own old sin. Maybe its guilt. Maybe its a denial that we can get better. Maybe its a doubt that God will actually accept us. Maybe its that we are too afraid to let it go, because, who are we without our brokenness?</p>
<p>Saint Paul said he had <a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians%2012:7-10&version=RSV">“a thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:7)</a>. Its never made clear what this thorn was, but it is clear that it was some kind of persistent temptation or torment. He begged with the Lord to take it away, but the Lord told him no, this was part of a lesson for him. This is a difficult teaching.</p>
<p>God is always right there willing to pick up the weight that we are carrying, and oftentimes we simply refuse to put it down so he can have it. Im no different. I have a thorn in my side, a piece of that old dead man that I cant get rid of, a sin that I cant seem to stop carrying. To this day it plagues me. I will put it down, and think I have let it go, only to look down into my hands, and realize - Son of a bitch! Im still carrying that weight! Why cant I put this fucking thing down?!</p>
<p>Almost 3 years ago I had an experience in prayer about this very issue. Here is the entirety of my prayer journal entry from that day.</p>
<hr/>
<p>15 July 2023</p>
<ul>
<li><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2021:1-14&version=RSV">John 21:1-14</a></li>
<li><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2022:31-34&version=RSV">Luke 22:31-34</a>, <a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2022:54-62&version=RSV">54-62</a></li>
<li><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James%201:12-18&version=RSV">James 1:12-18</a></li>
</ul>
<p>To keep on sining after having accepted and claimed Christ is to deny Him in your heart. I am every bit as guilty as Peter was; my sin is my denial. My accusers are not people, but passions - and my denial is not in public, but private. God is not mocked, and He sees the things which happen in private. But Jesus paid the price for my sins once and His blood covers me - and He touched my heart today to let me know He still loves me, and forgives me.</p>
<p>“I keep on laying my sin at your feet Lord, <strong>WHY</strong> am I still carrying it?!”, I cried out in my heart.</p>
<p>“Why do you keep picking it back up?”, He asks me. God does not tempt me, and He does not lay my sin upon me; I keep <strong>choosing</strong> to pick it up and carry it. God is willing to forget it the moment I am ready to put it down.</p>
<p>“I am too weak to put it down!”, I admit.</p>
<p>“Come to me, all you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I will give you rest!” He assures me.</p>
<p>And I wept.</p>
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